Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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