I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
