Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
