If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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