my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
