I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
