i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
