Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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