I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
