Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
it's great music for shaving your balls
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
