Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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