I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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