textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
