I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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