chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
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