Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
