I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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