Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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