You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
