matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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