I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
