I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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