My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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