I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
