I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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