A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
