I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
