My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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