Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
