If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
