do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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