I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
