no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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