let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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