my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
nutella sex= disaster
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
