If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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