I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
