Got a toothbrush?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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