Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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