you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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