The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
