She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
