Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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