my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
