Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
