just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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