And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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