i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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