You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
