she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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