I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
