Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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