I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
