you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
