Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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