Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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