discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
