chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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